We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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