ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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