Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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