You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
