Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
