A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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