Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
