i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's the barista slut.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
