My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
