Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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