my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
