Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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