I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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