I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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