ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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