I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
