i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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