I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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