i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
