my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
