Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
