yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
