she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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