My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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