drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
