I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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