I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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