In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
