Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
