So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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