There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
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dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
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I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
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Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.