Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud