Apparently you make a good broom.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
ugly people sure do ruin things
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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