the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.