She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
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I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.