four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
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It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"