The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.