Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.