She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."