i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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