For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner