You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five