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his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
two words: eviction party
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
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