I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.