There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
