she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"