I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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