To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..