like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I spit up blood this morning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to