You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.