Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"