just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.