You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!